My heart just hurts thinking about it
About it, about us
I’m worried I’m getting attached
Attached and obsessed, obsessed and attached
I’m a mess
I’m a loser, I’m a hater, an abuser
I’m obsessed, for your love
It ain’t cool
The thoughts keep me up at night
The lies I tell you, to keep you away from me
Your pain is my pain, you say
So how can you step back so easily?
I know it’s not easy for you
But I don’t know if you realise
It’s hurting my heart too
The words, the actions
The lack of everything I once desired
Once? Past tense.
The heart I call mine
Isn’t something I own anymore
I’m scared
I’m scared that your parents are right
I’m scared that you’re gonna realise that
And I’m sure to hell scared about what you’re gonna do after
No matter how much you reassure me
No matter how many times you call me perfect
I’m still going to be oh so scared
I’m not going to change
I’m scared that I’m not loving you fully
Not because I don’t want to, but because I can’t
Because even if my desire for you is stronger than my desire for living
How can I love you if I can barely love the person I see in the mirror everyday?
I’m scared that one day you’re gonna give up on me
And hell, I can see why you’d want to
I can’t even tell you why I’m worried
I can’t even tell you it’s because of the 2 biggest figures in your life
But how can I?
How am I supposed to tell you to choose me
When I know you should choose them?
How am I supposed to tell you to choose me
When I don’t even want to choose myself?
These thoughts keep me up at night
It’s the reason I can’t sleep
Your lack of presence in my life
Is the reason why I continue to doubt myself
So forgive me if I don’t want to tell you
Forgive me for not trusting you enough
My pain is my pain
And I don’t have the heart to give that to you as well
– late night confessions that I hope you never find