This blog post is going to be more of a journal entry for me. I can’t be bothered to make my journal look fancy and aesthetic for the new month, meaning I can’t rant there yet. So here I am, ranting to my blog instead.
Today I officially finished all my assessments (YAYY!) I would be celebrating more, but a part of me is nostalgic of my productive grind time, despite how much pain I went through during it. I’m also very socially, physically and mentally burnt out right now, so the thought of celebrating the end of my Year 10 assessments seems so tiring.
For the past 2 weeks, I’ve pushed my body to its ultimate limits. And I don’t mean like staying up later once in a while. I mean consistently sleeping late and waking up early, periods of not eating and then binge eating, not working out, not doing things I want to do. When I say I pushed my body to its ultimate limits, I’m not joking. I’m so burnt out right now, and I’m quickly falling from my assessment high.
Since then, I’ve relapsed several times. I realised that I haven’t given myself enough time to be by myself, and I haven’t taken care of myself at all. As unhealthy as it sounds, I’m planning to spend the next week or so isolating myself from people, just so I can get away from the world and its demands. I’m so fucking tired of the world and the shit it’s put me through, and I just need to disappear for a while.
The hardest part of relapsing is trying to get back into the routine of doing things again. The simple, mundane habits that seemed so ingrained in my life before, has now gone to complete shambles.
I feel like I’m losing myself to the expectations and demands of the world, so I want to take the next few weeks to take a step back and just spend time by myself. I don’t want to feel pressured to do anything, and I want to give myself a break after everything I’ve pushed myself to do.
I know a part of getting better means having hard conversations with my family, and I’m really not looking forward to it. But I’ve delayed this for 2 years now, and I can’t keep working in my super-ego and suppressing my emotions.
If you’re reading this, please give me a hug next time you see me. Life’s not easy for me right now, and I hope this sort of explains why I look so depressed at the moment. It’s just because I am.
I know this is not the end, but I’m barely clinging on to life at the moment.
I hope things get better soon.