I don’t even know what to say.
Change is and has been an irrational fear that I’ve found myself running away from for the past 2 years.
Why?
Because it’s scary. The effects of change that I’ve seen have never been good, and the results have impacted my life greatly.
I’ve seen people who used to care about me, stop caring. I’ve seen people who I used to see every day, stop showing up. I’ve seen personalities change, seasons change, feelings change.
And all these things scare me. All these changes.
I guess everyone has a slight irrational fear of change. Most don’t realise it until a life-changing moment occurs, such as the death of a loved one or losing your job. They suddenly find themselves questioning every single change around them, and why it occurs.
I slowly started to see my friends change too. Some grew distant and fell apart, while others just became acquaintances in my life. I didn’t realise our relationship had changed until it was too late. And then they were gone.
Even in high school, I find my friends, habits, and personality slowly start to change too.
My best friend started to hang out with other people, and I realised how much I relied on and loved her until I could feel our relationship becoming weaker.
My habits slowly started to change too. I stopped going out of my room, seeing the garden, and spending time with my family.
My personality was a whole rollercoaster too. My mood went quickly from happy to sad, often drifting in the in-between. I also started listening to music 24/7, and stopped socialising with my family and friends.
These changes that I’ve seen in myself and people I care about, scare me. I find myself constantly questioning what I actually have control over since change seems to follow wherever I go.
It’s ironic. The fact that change scares me, but for me to get rid of the fear, I must do exactly that. Change.
Honestly, sometimes I see change as a bad thing. It’s usually because the results and effects have impacted me in a negative way. However, I keep reminding myself that change is sometimes a good thing.
Change is how we grow. It’s how we learn from the past and our mistakes. Change may be scary, but it can be scary good too.
I know growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck somewhere you don’t belong.