Every time I write something, I feel like deleting it. Every time I post, I look back and just want to restart. Every time I play my instrument, I feel like quitting.
I feel like I’m going backwards instead of forwards.
Does anyone else feel like this?
The urge to just delete everything and everyone in your life and just start over? Because I do.
I deleted both my instagram accounts. I made a new pinterest account. I read a book.
I can’t help but compare myself to 2021 Lian. She struggled a lot during the first half of the year. She burned herself out, put too much of herself into everything that she made herself sick. But she was able to combat that. During lockdown of 2021, Lian was able bounce back from the hardship she faced a year ago. She learnt from her mistakes in 2020, and set limits for school. She knew when to take a break, when to work hard, how much effort to put into different things. She knew who were her friends, and who she should let go of. She reconnected with her past hobbies, the things she loved and used to do consistently. She borrowed books from the library. She read. She listened to music. She laughed with her friends. She worked out with Sara and Ashita. She pushed her body, her mind. She pushed past the bad days and into the good. She learned, and she loved, and she lived. She worked hard. She worked efficiently. She worked like the bad bitch she was.
I want to be that Lian again.
Every challenge has been slightly different, but I’ve gotten through them. I’ve worked hard. I’ve worked efficiently. I’ve loved and I’ve lost. I’ve lived and I’ve fought.
I sometimes forget that that person was me. Well a different version of me, but me nonetheless. Going forward, I want to become that Lian again. I want to find that balance in my life, and I want to exhibit those qualities and lifestyle once again. Even if I’m not in the same situation I was back then, I want to use my strengths, my passions, my support system and become that Lian once again.