friday, 21st April 2023
I’ve never really had a strong friendship group.
Growing up in my primary school, I was part of an all-girls group that started to become quite toxic in Year 5 and 6. There was almost always drama between 2 of the girls, and I always ended up getting wrapped in the drama and becoming the “grey, third-party individual in the middle.” During those times when I wasn’t trying to help contain the bickering and gossip, or giving advice to others, I spent my time with my two best guy friends, Chris and Finn, playing soccer or tootsies on the oval. Most of the time was me trying to kick their shins lmfao. When I think back to the fond memories of primary school, I have to admit, the best moments were the ones I had mucking around with those guys.
Now I’m in high school, and have already gone through 4 friendship groups.
The first friendship group I joined was in Year 7. A group of girls, who had all met through our class “G” or “O” founded our spot – right next to the bin. We spent our time playing card games, or other games my best friend Ashita had downloaded onto her phone, including weird games of truth or dare or Wolf, which became more popular in Year 8. After a while, two of the girls started making fun of one of the other girls, Grace, and she spoke up about this. A lot of miscommunication occurred, and the two girls that were making fun of Grace ended up leaving to another group. After a while, Grace became almost the new bully of the group, having angry fits every once in a while and mocking my other friends. After a little confrontation, she ended up leaving and joining the group that the previous two girls had joined, and then eventually left our school.
In Year 8, our friendship group expanded, encompassing another group from the main quad. We ended up becoming one massive friend group, which lasted for about half a year until I realised that the friendship group I thought I was part of, was just a combination of groups that didn’t really know each other like best friends did, but were still friendly and sat together when Covid-19 wasn’t in the way. Over the course of Year 9, I slowly became more comfortable with certain people in the group, and we formed our “group,” which again, did not last long.
After this, I started sitting by myself next to the bin, while the rest of my friends had migrated to next to the handball courts. While I was alone, I didn’t really feel lonely all of the time, as I often struck up a conversation with the boys who sat on the benches next to me, or whoever else came up to talk to me, or I would run off to play handball with Yishun and Ashita, as well as some of my other friends, after I finished eating my lunch.
In Year 10, I became a lot closer with the boys’ group and ended up talking to them a lot more. At the end of August, I became closer with Sara and Iva, and we ended up forming a group with the boys as well. We called ourselves The Bread Gang, after the group of misfits and random individuals that joined together during the Athletics Carnival that year. We were a tight knit group, and for the first time in my life, I felt genuinely happy and comfortable around my friend group. This lasted until December of 2022, and I started feeling left out and unhappy with the people around me. This was mostly due to a mistake I had made, by cuddling with my guy best friend at my friend’s house, while he liked another girl in the group at the same time. This caused a lot of drama and friendships to fall apart over the next couple of months.
Now I’m in Year 11, and I’m still part of the group, yet I’m at the point where I’m trying to find other people to hang out with. While they are an amazing group of individuals, the mistakes I’ve made and the group dynamic isn’t the same as it once used to be, and I don’t feel happy or comfortable with them anymore. Not only that, my friendships with other people outside of the group have weakened as well, since everyone is focusing on themselves and their studies, since it is Year 11 now. It’s especially hard to put in effort in friendships with people I don’t see everyday, since I don’t share any classes with them.
I no longer feel like I have a strong friendship group that I belong too. I have friends that I feel connected to, supported by and happy with, but those people are in many other friendship groups. Over the past 3 months, I’ve questioned the idea of friends, and at what point I should keep putting effort into a relationship that isn’t working anymore. Most of the time, I feel lost and confused about what to do now, and who I can and can’t trust. I feel unsupported by the friendship group I once called mine, and more so, I feel unacknowledged and just sad all the time. I know that this isn’t how I should be feeling around true friends, but in the grand scheme of things, is it really worth putting effort into friendships that may not even last another 2 years after everyone splits up and goes their own ways after school?
At what point should I stop trying?
Will I ever find a strong group of friends?
Can I even trust anyone anymore?
Can I even trust myself to make the right decisions?
I don’t know anymore.