Once again, I find myself with the same nerves and dread for the new school year. Except this year is different. This year is the start of my journey into “Senior School” – the make or break year, the year that sets up the year that really matters (aka Year 12).
Like I said, I’m quite anxious about 2023. Maybe not about the year itself, but what it may contain. There are so many milestones and things happening, but also things that haven’t happened yet.
Currently, I feel like I’m in a toxic cycle of trying to find myself, finding parts of myself and things that make me happy, and then somehow losing every bit of progress that I’ve earned. I’m in an uncomfortable place with my family and my friends, and I find myself doubting the people I do know I can trust. Even though I am very grateful to have them, those people, the people I can truly be myself around and not pretend to be optimistic and perfect all the time, I feel like I don’t deserve them and that I’m going to ruin(?) them in some way.
I wrote down a list of my commitments for 2023, and boy is there a lot. I feel like I’m putting so much pressure on myself, and my parents are putting even more pressure on me at the moment to get a job and get my driver’s license, and on top of school, Year 11, music, jujitsu training – it hit me then how much I’ve got on my plate. And I didn’t even mention my social life or my “self care” time, which are just as important as my extra curriculars.
I don’t think it has really hit me that I’m going to be a senior though. I think it will when I put on my white senior uniform tomorrow morning and go to school and see everyone again, but until then, I just have pit of dread in my stomach. Whenever I try to think about positive things or things that I’m looking forward to, I think of 3 things: my close friends (Rionah, Miju and Yishun), my more than close friend (Kevin), and the Max Potential Program, which I got accepted into at the end of last year. I know these things may not be that big to some people, but it’s honestly the only good things going for me right now. I’m scared shitless for school, for assessments, for the pressure and the crying (which has already occurred most days this past month). So when I think about these things, or when I’m surrounded by these people, I feel comforted in the fact that no matter how bad things might or will get, I have someone I can talk to and be open with. And that in itself is the best thing I could ever ask for.
I still haven’t written my 2023 goals (shit-), or even finished writing my 2022 review (fuck-), but I while I’m ranting now, I guess I’ll just dump a few things I hope for this year:
- I hope that I can ask for help when I need it – Whether that be putting up my hand in class and asking a question, or opening up to a friend about how I’m really doing, or even just asking my parents for help with a question or problem I’m having.
- I hope that I can maintain a productive study schedule – I’ve started planning for this, by writing down my schedule into my calendar, and time blocking my extra curriculars. This way, I can see when I have time to do stuff, or when I can make the time to do stuff
- I hope that no matter what, I will always end up prioritising me, my needs, wants, happiness, and physical, mental and emotional health. At the end of the day, I’m the only person that will be stuck with me forever and ever, so I want to make sure that I’m prioritising what’s best for me.
- I hope I can be kind to everyone, despite my pettiness against them.
- And finally, I hope that I can make some amazing new memories this year. I hope that I find myself once again, and stick to her for once, and also surround myself with people who I actually trust and care about and vice versa.
Good luck 2023 Lian! You’re going to be great and keep your head up, I know you can do this <3