I’m sorry, but this post is going to be a long one. I wrote this on the 30th of December, 2020, and it really helped me just to take a step back and reflect and review all the crazy things that happened in 2020. 2020… was a really tough year for me, to say the least. It was a tough year for everyone, and I’m not saying that my experience was worse or better than anyone else’s. But I wrote this because I thought this would help me heal and move on. And it did. Slightly. Anyway, this is a “short” reflection of my 2020, that I wrote for future me.
Dear future me, 30 December 2020
Metanoia – The journey of changing one’s mind, heart, self, or way of life
2020 was one hell of a journey. They say life is like a rollercoaster, and that is exactly how I felt throughout this year. 2020 changed me. Throughout all the memories, challenges and hardships I faced, I began to change as a person. This year forced me to rethink everything I previously called ‘normal’, and the journey began.
8F the Cult –
This year, I was in 8F. I had no close friends in my class, and there were only 8 girls in my entire class. This change from my previous class shocked me, as I was pushed to make new friends and become closer to those who I didn’t really know. While I felt very disconnected from my classmates sometimes, I made so many amazing memories, that I wouldn’t change for the world. During online school, our class turned into a cult, and we began to have cult rituals, cult ships, cult weddings, our cult playlist, and an obsessive usage of ours. I never truly felt part of the cult or our class, and I had a hard time connecting with the people around me. Slowly, as the year passed on and during online school, I began more friendly with my classmates, and we all made some great memories together. I’m so appreciative for all those moments that we had together, and my class always found a way to make me laugh and smile.
Online School –
Covid-19 soon took a toll on all our lives, and we began online school from home. During this time, I became much closer to P, and soon developed feelings for him. These feelings later destroyed me, but it was an experience that I’m grateful that I went through. I missed my friends so much during this period and ached for human interaction during this lonesome and unconnected time. However, through the power of digital technology and many, many WhatsApp video calls, I face timed Ashita, Miju, and Asmi pretty much every day. I loved seeing my friends, even if it was through a tiny screen, but our conversations always seemed to spark joy in my life. Unlike other people, I tried to maintain my school routine and woke up around 6:45 am every morning. I would usually have breakfast later at 8 am or 9 am, but I tried to take advantage of online school.
Every Monday was very stressful, and the number of notifications from Google Classroom was very overwhelming. Habel was the one telling me to breathe and take a step back from all my work. His techniques really helped me to step back and not be as overwhelmed from school. I loved talking to my class and Ashita, Miju and Asmi on Whatsapp, and I tried to maintain my relationship with the people around me.
Phases –
After 3 months of texting, P finally told me how he felt about me. Unfortunately, he didn’t like me back, but I wasn’t too upset. I was really hurt when he texted me and told me to stop texting him and that I was annoying him. Asmi stood up for me that night and angrily texted him. While they argued, I cried myself to sleep that night. I was really hurt that one of my closest friends would say that, and my whole world collapsed upon me.
The next 2-3 months, I was always sad and in a really bad place. He made me rethink everything that had happened, and I started to rethink my opinions of myself. I didn’t know who I was anymore, and couldn’t see anything clearly, including who I was, what my goals and dreams were, and what was important to me. These phases pushed me so far, that I started to think that I didn’t even deserve to be alive anymore. I was so lucky and grateful for Asmi and Ashita, who were there for me when I went through this. Asmi pushed me to go see the school counsellor, and after talking to her and confessing what I had gone through to my Dad, I felt a bit better.
Writing and Music –
Through my phases, writing and music really helped me to express my emotions. I discovered NF, an amazing rapper, and I turned his songs into poems. His songs became outlets for me, and I related very deeply to them. Through the poems I wrote, I was able to express myself, my experiences, and the hardships that I was going through. Music and writing were my two outlets, and they made me feel so much better. They were my escapes from reality and allowed me to take a break from how shit*y my life was at that point.
During my phases, Amelia proposed to co-write a novel. 3 months later, the same time I texted P, we produced a 100 paged novel called Closer Than We Thought, which reflected my relationship with P. This novel also helped me get over my feelings for him and became another outlet to let out my overwhelming amount of emotions. Although my phases were one of the lowest moments of my life, they also helped me to produce amazing pieces of writing. Without the hurt, pain, and all the other feelings, I would have never been able to write such an intricate, and well-developed novel.
Realisations –
After everything that has happened this past year, I feel… grateful. Although the memories and the hardships were very tough, I realised and learnt many things about myself, which I wouldn’t have if I hadn’t gone through this experience.
I realised that I wasn’t alone. I’m so grateful for Asmi, my best friend and therapist, who was there for me from day one. She always tried to make me feel better, and try to take away my pain, and would always share my happiness. Honestly, Asmi is one of the reasons that I’m even still alive, and am able to tackle the problems that I face.
I’m so grateful for Ashita, my best friend and my optimistic light. Ashita never failed to make me laugh and smile, and always supported me and was always there for me. She always shined a light through the darkness, and gave me hope and saw a brighter future for me when I couldn’t see one for myself.
I’m so appreciative of Miju, my best friend and personal hug giver. I ended up telling Miju everything that I was going through, and she became another person that gave me hope. Our friendship became a lot stronger afterwards, and we grew closer. She always comforted me and became the person I would always listen to music with.
I realised that everyone was going through their own hardships. After everything that I had gone through, I realised that there was only one other thing that hurt as much as pain. Pretending. Pretending that I was okay. Pretending that I was fine. Sometimes, I couldn’t even explain what I was going through, and that made it difficult for me to open up to people, even those who I know I could trust. I hated that people, especially me, couldn’t be honest with others because they saw themselves as a problem and couldn’t trust anyone because they were afraid of all the what if’s. I think it’s important to realise that you don’t always know what someone might be going through, and it’s more than likely that they are going through something. I think it’s important to know that it’s okay to talk to someone about what you are going through sometimes.
2020 has made me realise what true friendship is. True friends are those who are always there for you. Who support you. People who pick you up when you fall. People who try to take away your pain, and share your happiness. People who see the real you. True friends are truly a blessing in your life, and I think one of our goals in life is to find those true friends. And I really do believe that I found not 1, not 2, but 3 of those true friends this year. I’m honestly just so grateful for Asmi, Ashita and Miju, for they saw the real me.
Accomplishments –
Even after all the hardships I faced, I definitely have stepped outside of my comfort zone. This year, I grew in many aspects of my life. I had my very first in-person scholarship audition on saxophone, I performed a live solo concert on saxophone with piano accompaniment, and I played alto saxophone 1 in SWE. I learnt to accept and love myself, I co-wrote a 100-page novel called Closer Than We Thought, and I found new ways to express myself.
The End –
I don’t know when you’ll be reading this, whether it be in Year 9 or in Year 12, but I hope that you have grown. I hope you have learnt to love yourself, and are living your life to the fullest of your potential. I hope that you’ve realised that you don’t need others validation and that your opinion of yourself is the only one that matters. I hope you see yourself as a hardworking, caring and kind person, who will achieve great things if you work hard and are passionate about what you do. I hope that when you look back to 2020, you don’t see all the bad things that happened, but all the things you learned and accomplished. I hope that you are living your life as the best you and that you find your true meaning of happiness. I hope you become confident in yourself and don’t worry about what the future holds. Whatever happens, know that it’s all for a reason and that God is with you every step of the way. I hope you enjoyed reading this reflection of 2020, and I hope that you, the older, wiser, and more mature version of myself, is living life as the happy girl I know that I am.
Love from (14-year-old) Lian