They said it would go by quickly.
They were right.
As I wait anxiously for the start of my last term as a Year 11 student, I find myself reflecting upon the last few years of my highschool experience. I remember the days of not knowing people. Of making friends, of finding my voice. I remember the days of shared laughter, of hope, of feeling connected.
As the years fly past, I forget the people I used to be. Instead I find myself staring at a girl with dark circles, with tears in her eyes, with a smile that no longer stretches from ear to ear.
I stare into the dusty mirror with the desperate urge to find the girl I once recognised. Eyes wet, I find only the remnants of a soul with a broken heart, with dreams only found in storybooks.
On days like this, time feels like it’s on pause. The sky, hues of placid pink and pale blue remind me of days from the past, when everything seemed slightly easier.
Of all the futures I imagined, this one seems to be the scariest one of all. For this is a future I never predicted. One that I never wanted to imagine.
Life isn’t like what I read in my storybooks growing up. Falling in and out of love and falling in again isn’t so easy. Pushing past the fears and the torment isn’t so easy. Nothing seems easy.
But hey, isn’t that life?
I’ve often asked myself, what kind of person am I? Am I that innocent girl with big dreams and an even bigger future? Am I that girl with a heart so big, that I can look past people’s conniving tricks? Am I that girl that people envy, that people call smart and intelligent and all those other adjectives I never use to describe myself?
In the end, I don’t know. I don’t know who I am, who I’m “meant” to be. I don’t know who my true friends are, or what my calling in this world ought to be. I’m scared of doing things I know I should be doing. I’m scared of facing the music and pushing past my fears. I’m scared and all I can think about is the fact that I’m not who everyone said I would turn out to be.
How can I be the person everyone wants me to be, if I can’t even recognise that person anymore?
The days seem to get a little darker everyday. A little dimmer, a little quieter, a little more unrecognisable. A little more everyday…