Shakespeare is both a genius, and loves to torture kids well past his era.
It’s currently 9:39pm, and I’m stressing about my Othello essay which is due in approximately 2 days. Not only have I yet to finish it, I need to edit and memorise it since it’s an in class essay. Oh and I have 40 minutes to write this darn thing.
Sometimes I really hate how clever writers are.
There’s so much to talk about at, but finding that balance between all these elements of my essay is I guess, the difference between an “A” and a “C” grade. It’s quite ironic actually, since the whole essay is about how Shakespeare explores conflict in his play, and his play is making me feel so conflicted.
If you couldn’t already tell, it’s that time of the term again.
Assessment time.
My mental health hasn’t been doing so great recently because of one, how much work I have due, and two, trying to do everything well. I think maybe it’s because I’m in Year 10 that both the pressure and the expectation to do well is increasing significantly, but also trying to “ease” back into the school life is hard when things are just getting crammed non-stop into my brain.
Not only do I feel conflicted because of how badly I feel like I’m doing at the moment at school, I feel conflicted because I can’t be what everyone wants me to be. Hint: it’s like 5 different things.
Trying to make everyone happy all the time is just so stressful. I can’t even make myself happy – how am I supposed to live up to everyone else’s expectations for me?
I hate to even reference him again, but Shakespeare was right about how jealousy can make you feel so insecure about yourself. Everyone seems to be doing so well at the moment. Well, everyone except for me apparently.
It seems I go through the same cycle year after year. A cycle of self doubt and feeling worthless, on top of comparing myself to other people.
I hate that I do it, but for me, it’s easier pretending that I’m on top of my shit than people worrying about me. I hate when I’m not in control, and I hate when people look down on me because I’m struggling.
I guess I can really relate to Othello then huh…
Other than the assessments, the lack of time to myself, the anxiety attacks, and the constant cycle of worrying, pity and self-doubt, as you can see I’m doing just great.
I know life will get better, but I can’t seem to think that maybe this is just how good life is going to get for me. I can barely write an english essay that I clearly know I can relate to, but finding words for everything at the moment is just too difficult.
I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know how to tackle my problems. I don’t know how to clear my head and just do it. I don’t know how everyone else does it. I don’t know, and the fear of not knowing is eating me up on the inside.
I hate that I can’t find the courage or the words to open up to people about this. And if you’re reading this right now, don’t say a thing.
There’s a lot going in my head right now, but I hope to god that life just gets better.